Seven powers that I shall gain

listing-to-port:

1. I shall assimilate the power of the Power Shower. Through its steamy magic I will be able to leave my foes uncomfortably clean and a little bit red. They too shall know the confusion of not being able to work out how to get the right nozzle setting.

2. The power of Power Dressing shall be mine. I shall have shoulders that unfurl to a full hundred metres high. Nobody will be able to fit in the lift with my shoulders, which will be headed to the penthouse suite where they will live behind the big desk until the end of all epilogues.

3. I will gain the power of Power Steering. There will be no wheel I cannot turn. I will turn the wheels of great big lorries. I will turn the wheels of giant dumper trucks. I will turn the wheels of car carrier-carriers, each of which can carry twelve fully laden car carriers without breaking out in oil. I will turn so many wheels that the Earth will shift slightly on its axis from the angular momentum of all those rotating vehicles. No wheel shall be left unturned.

4. I will harness the power of PowerPoint to make a really long presentation about my other powers. All shall listen to it and despair. There will be handouts in a pdf format.

5. I will gain Power of Attorney. I will gain it over the world. I have prepared a persuasive argument that humanity, when considered as a very large crowd, lacks the collective mental capacity to make long-term decisions and as a result I will be administering the world’s pensions from now on. I believe that you will be nicely surprised by what I plan to do with them.

6. I shall use the power of the Power Cut to get people to go out into the street and make confused noises at their neighbours. I shall be recording those noises. I will make them available as an online video which you will not be able to watch because your phone has run out of battery and there is nowhere to charge it.

7. I will gain all the powers of the Powers of Ten and also of other numbers including Two and Fifteen. I will have many numbers. I will have more numbers than my enemies. My office will become an attractive employment destination for the world’s mathematicians, who will do filthy mysterious things with those numbers. I will watch. It will be the ultimate power.