bramblepatch:

prokopetz:

Three types of D&D classes:

• Those that derail the adventure by saying “I’m gonna kill it”
• Those that derail the adventure by saying “I’m gonna steal it”
• Those that derail the adventure by saying “I’m gonna fuck it”

Kill:

• Paladin – unflinchingly devoted to combating evil, or dangerously repressed? Either way, inclined to smite first, ask questions never, because they don’t approve of necromancy.
• Ranger – if you’re lucky, the ranger has a tragic backstory that requires revenge. If you’re not, they’re straight up a trophy hunter.
• Barbarian – tendency to get murdery when confused.

Steal:

• Rogue – if it’s not nailed down, the rogue’s taking it home. If it is nailed down, they’re also taking the nails.
• Wizard – look, those spell books aren’t going to read themselves, unless they will, in which case the wizard really wants them.
• Fighter – less impulsively stabby than the more niche stabby classes, but may be unlikely to resist the urge to acquire something fancy to stab with.

Fuck:

• Bard – if you don’t roll to seduce the big bad, are you even really playing a bard?
• Sorcerer – it runs in the family, probably.
• Druid – this is not the intended use of wildshape and no one wants this but there goes the druid anyway.

Wildcards:

• Cleric – depends pretty heavily on what sort of god they follow, but you’ll probably know how they’ll ruin everything by the time they do so.
• Warlock – honestly, who knows, it’s likely even they’re not sure which category they’re going to fall into until their patron’s orders come in.