What would a open mic night standup in ML Paris look like? Can you even fathom how hilarious that would be? Just a handful of comics cracking jokes about what traveling abroad is like.
Comedian: “The stereotypes against the french are just out of control now. Everyone expects me to be wearing a beret and eating snails and that’s not fair. But you know, you have to hand it to them, there is a pretty sure fire way to know if someone is french now even from a distance. Because if we see a butterfly we will freaking scream.”
I love the character specific ones, like Nino gets sorta well known in the comedy circuit when he’s a little older and he’s up there, smiling and interrupts his own jokes half the time with laughing, but his timing is impeccable.
Nino: “So, super villains.” *the crowd waits for him to say more, but he shrugs as if the sentence needs nothing else, and laughter picks up. He’s grinning before he ‘sobers up’.* “Bad news, obviously. Probably. But, I can’t be the onlyjaded guy out there right? Like, am I not the only one who hears ‘MONSTER!!!’ and asks without looking up from my phone like, ‘Well, where? Like here?’” *crowds starts laughing and Nino pantomimes texting. “’Cause like, if it’s not on this block man, I was gonna order in probably.’” *laughter continues. Nino waits for a second nodding and smiling. “Have I put a pizzaman through hell by ordering two large pizzas in the middle of a warzone?” *nods* “Yes. Yes i have. Those guys are the real heroes.” *crowd laughs and he chuckles, taking his own queue to get back on topic. He readjusts the mic stand, feigning apprehension.* “So yeah. Super villains, bad news. Some more than others, and like, don’t get me wrong! It’s bad, but, come one. Everyone is a little curious what their super villain is. JUST A LITTLE.” *he calls over the laughter of the crowd, making them laugh even harder. He holds up his free hand that isnt dedicated to the microphone like hes placating them.* “I’m not saying that’s cool! I’m saying that’s the way it is. Paris is a weird freaking place now, gotta take those changes in stride. And for some of us, we already know, right? Got any other akumas in the house? *he waits, listening for the three or four cheers from different parts of the room* “Respect! Alright, so I’ve got something to ask, now that we’ve got that out in the open.” *he pauses, gesturing a little and looking around, building the tension* “Be real with me… But, come on. Was anyone else just alittle disappointed?” *the crowd freaking explodes. Nino waits and tries to start again but he starts laughing too, and eventually has to raise his voice to be heard over the crowd.* “I mean, come on! You’re already striping me of my free will, now I don’t even get to pretend in the back of my head that maybe I looked super cool? I mean listen, we’ve all had our moments but, please appreciate the fact that I now have to live with the fact that my ‘dark’ alter ego is a bubble wielding super clown. Really, Hawkmoth? I don’t even get that much?” *Nino lets the laughter ride out, shaking his head and pacing the stage, chuckling to himself. In a slightly quieter voice he says* “Paris is weird man.” *slight laughter* “It is, it really is. But I grew up here you know, I remember the ‘pre-butterfly douchebag days. How weird is it? For the people who move here? Like when they pack their bags, hop on a train, get all moved in then BOOM” *Nino makes a large explosion with his hands* “Huge explosion! Shakes the earth! Fire down the side streets, evil cackling in the air, and they are seized with terror only to realize” *he pauses, turning full circle on the stage before shrugging* “No one cares. Everyone looks up, sure, they’re checking where it’s at but the people of Paris have got the calm and orderly exit thing down, it’s been years we are used to it. We’re just like ‘Oh, wow thats a rather big one isn’t it? Huh, anyways-’ Yeah no one cares. Unless it’s Mister Pigeon.” *huge laugh, a few foreign looking people look confused and Nino chuckles* “For those of you with an intact survival instinct and dont live here, it’s worth explaining. That this city has, twice, been taken over by a mad, pigeon wielding bad guy. TWICE. This is some real shit. People respect pigeons now, I will pay you to find one native citizen who still has the balls to kick at a pigeon. ONE.”
and so on and so forth, with such famous bits as ‘Cat Noir makes a shitty roommate’ ‘Best Man at a superhero wedding doesnt really make you feel like the best man’ and ‘The Bubbler II: Return of the Super Clown (God Damnit)’
Part Two cause i wanted to write something fun.
*a voice is heard over the speakers addressing a large waiting crowd in a sizeable sold out theater. People look forward as the opening act leaves the stage and the camera cuts to see Nino Lahiffe, about 28 adjusting his loose fitting tie. He turns towards the camera and gives a thumbs up and a grin, stepping in place a little bit and rocking his weight to get hyped as the announcement plays out. As soon as his name is called the crowd erupts into cheers and the lights flare up and he walks out onto stage, raising a hand to greet them and walking to center stage where a solitary mic stand is waiting, a stool with a glass of water off to one side.*
“Hello Paris, hello!” *he waits for a moment, letting the cheers ride out and grins out to them as he subtly adjusts the mic stand* “Wow no pressure huh? Jesus, everybody was able to make it, everybody? Not even one person was like ‘Oh shit a tree!’ and was busy in the ER? Well thats good.” *laughter as Nino shrugs, chuckling a little* “Damn I was pretty set on riding my B game tonight but fine” *he makes an exaggerated hand gesture and sarcastically says* “I’ll try.”
*Nino takes the mic off the stand and holds it in one hand, putting the other in the pocket of his suit jacket*
“I really appreciate you all coming here tonight, it’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these. I’ve gotten engaged since then.” *he is interrupted by the crowd cheering and clapping and he throws out his free hand, smiling excitedly* “I know right! I was also impressed it happened.” *laughter, he steps away from the stand and paces a little* “I’ve got absolutely no idea why shes marrying me but as long as we have the wedding before she realizes I’m a loser then i’ve got her.” *laughter* “Hehe, oh it’s great. She’s amazing, she scares the crap out of me but she fantastic.” *chuckle rolls through the crowd* “Now the literal first thing everyone says to me when i tell them i’m engaged is ‘Whens the wedding!?’ and the answer is ‘I don’t fuckin’ know. Spring? My wife knows, my wife is doing all of that.’ And thats not even me being lazy and not helping her with the wedding, thats her having like a million things she wanted to do and cross referencing venues before I even got off one knee so like, shes got it.” *the crowd chuckles, the camera cuts to a couple in the crowd laughing before cutting back to Nino. He waits for a second and shrugs* “She’s got it handled, i’m not worried about it. I just asked for a few days heads up so I knew where to be, and then i’ll walk out there and get to see what my wedding looks like, cause as it stands i have absolutely no idea.” *he chuckles, still slowly pacing the stage and gesturing as he talks* “So i’m not worried about the wedding, i’m not a cold feet kind of guy, i love her to death so there isnt anything to get nervous about. The only thing about getting married thats freaking me out is the SECOND question everyone asks me which is” *he mimics a high pitched voice* “When are you gonna have a baby!?” *he switches back to his own voice, shouting at the invisible aggressor* “Who the fuck is gonna trust me with a baby!? Get out of my house!!” *the crowd erupts into laughter and Nino looks out at them in exasperation* “Thank you! Thank you for laughing i needed someone else to realize that I should not be left in charge of children, at all. Because everyone else just shrugs it off like” *makes a dismissive hand gesture* “You’ll be fine! It’s not a life changing decision at all that leaves you paralyzed with the responsibility of another life, not in the slightest! I mean, look at how together you are! You can totally raise another human being with your existing experience of fucking up your own life. Here’s a diaper bag!” *the crowd cracks up and Nino throws up his free hand, shaking his head and chuckling a little* “Like, holy shit dude. Everything is way too recorded now I can’t have kids. As soon as my kid figures out what Netflix is he can look up an hour long special of his dad being an asshole for money. And then he can look up from the TV and see his dad being an asshole for no monetary gain at all, he’s just being an asshole.”
*he shakes his head again, his free hand on his hip before gesturing out again* “Like, genuinely? You’d kind of have to be an idiot to leave me with your kid. Or just an asshole, and in some fantastic circumstances both. Which leads me to a funny story.” *the crowd oohs and starts laughing in anticipation, taking in his ‘sheesh’ facial expression as he sets the mic back on the stand* “Yeah, its gonna be one of those.” *they laugh again and Nino pauses for a moment to preface the story* “Real quick. Anybody in here know who Adrien Agreste is?”
*Nino leans back a bit as a significant portion of the audience screams, the sound very high pitched. Nino pretends to wince in pain before laughing as the cheers dies down and he addresses the audience with a raised eyebrow.*
“Did you notice how every single one of those was women? He’s a model, for the straight guys out there who didn’t know. He’s my best friend and I’ve known him for a very long time, the dude is my homie. But that mostly just means that he loves to fuck with me.” *he lets the slight laugh die down* “So, my buddy Adrien got engaged and married about two years ago, and he had his first baby preeeetty soon after wedding, they knew they wanted kids. This story happened not very long after i announced my engagement and the baby question starting coming up left and right, and I was talking to Adrien about it. His own baby is about like, one at this time.”
*Nino then begins to act out a conversation between himself and Adrien, his pantomime of Adrien feeding a baby from a bottle as they talk*
“So we’re talking and I say, ‘Hey man, literally everyone is riding me about having kids, my mom won’t let it go and Alya’s parents are pretty all over it too. Like, if thats what Alya wants i dont want to shoot that down but i’m kinda freaking out over it.’”
“Adrien is listening to me vent about this and asks the obvious question of, ‘Well, do you want kids?’ Which really fucking doesn’t help, obviously.” *the crowd laughs and Nino continues* “But i just shoot back, ‘Hell i don’t know man.’”
*he switches back to Adrien, rocking the baby now* “’What are you afraid of? You’d be a great father, its pretty crazy i’ll admit but you’ll get used to it, its great.’” *Nino shrugs dramatically before saying back as himself* “I can’t be a dad! I don’t know how to be a dad! I have never had a paternal feeling in my life, what if it gets sick?! What if i give it fucking issues?! Any literal bad anything that happens to or with this new human being is my fault, thats fucking stressful dude!’”
“Now at this point Adrien says, rather unhelpfully,” *he shrugs as Adrien, dismissively patting the invisible baby with one hand* “it just kind of kicks in man i was worried about the same thing when we had Emma. But like, as soon as she was born it just kicked on and i knew what to do.”
*Nino pauses before making a huge ‘WHAT THE FUCK’ gesture with his hands, letting the microphone slap against his thigh when he throws his hands down. The crowd explodes into laughter as he starts ranting in exasperation*
“What the fuck kind of advice is that! Just go for it? If you don’t know how to drive a fucking car you don’t just GET IN. Like, your car has the emergency brake on and the engine light going off, somethings on fire and the oil needs to be changed and you’re just like ‘EH,’ *he shrugs dramatically* “I’ll figure it out.”
*theres a huge laugh from the crowd as Nino starts to pace the stage, laughing breathily to himself* “Christ man.”
Part 3 (direct continuation)
“Anyways” *Nino draws up to a stop, still laughing a little as he rubs at his face* “That was ridiculous. So, naturally, when your best friend expresses deep psychological issues with the concept of caring for a tiny human being, the next obvious course of action is to, clearly” *he pauses, raising his voice as he continues in a harsh exasperated tone* “LEAVE YOUR FRIEND WITH YOUR OWN TINY HUMAN. For a WEEK.” *he looks around* “ALONE” *the crowd cracks up and Nino looks around as if searching for support*
“Any parents in here capable of understanding how giving your best friend, REGARDLESS of how much faith you have in them a trial run at parenting by chucking over your own kid at them to have a go with is a really stupid plan? I’m not sure what he was hoping for exactly. He leaves for a week long vacation with his wife and my wife by the way, just takes ‘em both, poof, gone. He takes them both away and just goes and does his own thing, stress free, no baby to be worrying about, and when he comes back not only is his child alive but his best friend also has a deep and honest desire to have his own child. I’m pretty sure in his mind that was the ideal outcome.” *Nino looks around, hands held out* “Are we all on the same page that that is stupid as fuck? Okay good, let’s continue” *good laugh, Nino continues to slowly pace the stage*
“I’m not sure it will come as a surprise to you, but that is not how it went down.” *he lets the crowd react before chastising them quickly* “NO the baby isnt dead, fucks sake. It’s completely alive, its got all its limbs and everything, which honestly is a testament to me, I think. Because not only did i prevent anything else from dismembering the baby, but I didn’t dismember the baby.” *he gets a huge reaction from the crowd, a large laugh rolling through the building as he holds his hands up again in a wide gesture.* “You see the people laughing? Everybody who laughed just then? They laughed because they too have also fantasized at length just- fucking just smothering that loud crying poopy fuckin’ LITTLE-” *he pantomimes smooshing something down, the laugh gets bigger* “You don’t do it! You don’t! But you fucking think about it. You just stand over the crib as it screams” *he positions himself as if he is looking into a crib* “And its covered in its own poop and the pee is on the way, the food it wouldn’t freaking eat is all over its shirt and its stressed out because its hungry and POOP COVERED and you just- you just look at it like” *his voice gets quiet and trance like, looking down at the baby with glassy eyes* “’What if the screaming just stopped?’ *big laugh. the trance like tone continues after a short pause for the laugh. “’What if… what if it just stopped. Doesn’t matter how. But it- it just… shhhhh’” *he pretends to lift a pillow and slowly lower it into the crib, the crowd gasping and laughing* “Shhhhh….”
*he ends that little scene as the laugh rides out and looks back at the crowd* “Now, I don’t think i’m a bad person for that, almost entirely because i still love the hell out of that kid, i do. She’s fantastic, genuinely, and the fact that i can still love her even after cleaning poop out of just- EVERYTHING says a lot about me, i think. However i think it also says a lot about me that pretty quickly my murderous daydreams became entirely focused on Adrien.” *another big laugh* “It was a lot like I was the mother, like a pregnant woman in the hospital bed just screaming, and Adrien is the man and as i’m going through all this horror and suffering i just look at him like” *his tone gets dark and angry as he yells* “YOU. YOU DID THIS TO ME!”
*colossal laugh, Nino carries out the enraged expression for a few moments longer to escalate the joke before returning to his ranting*
“I was somewhat concerned i was going to kill him when I saw him again, however i am also kind of stubborn. I’m not always prideful but the whole situation felt like a challenge to me. I was stuck between my fiance and myself both not having a whole lot of faith in me caring for a baby on my own, and Adrien and his wife’s utter certainty that I had it completely handled. On the one hand I was glad my wife could see my side of things, however,” *he pauses, his free hand dropping to his hip* “I was also kind of pissed! Like, Hey! I know i think i’m incompetent but, fuck.” *a large laugh picks up* “We’re engaged!! At least lie, like, ‘Oh honey you’re worrying over nothing, it’ll be fine.” *he shakes his head* “Nope. Alya was pretty immediately on my side with saying ‘You’re doing what?! What the hell it’ll DIE.’” *the crowd laughs again. the camera cuts away and shows Alya in the crowd, sitting next to Adrien and Marinette. Alya is laughing into her hands and Adrien is laughing pretty hard at the story as a whole. It cuts back to Nino, walking back towards the stand*
“So in a way I was pretty determined to succeed. The first two days were- they were-,” *he pauses, shaking his head and blowing out a huge gush of air. He is super genuine when he says,* “It was bad man, it was pretty bad. I didn’t want to let Adrien in on the fact that I was crazy fucking it up and I ALSO didn’t want to let Alya figure out that things were NOT cool back at dad town. So a handful of my other friends, the internet and a kindly Asian store owner became my main sources of information.” *there is another long laugh. Nino chuckles himself, fitting the mic back on the stand and using both of his hands to gesture* “Now, this part of the story my friend doesn’t actually know. I know he’s in the crowd so, Adrien buddy. It’s cool. I love you.” * the crowd laughs and the camera cuts back to Adrien. Alya is REALLY laughing now and Adrien has a wary grin on his face. You can see him say fearfully ‘Oh jesus’ before it cuts back to Nino*
“So, at the close of the second day things were getting bad, and I had no idea why. The baby was fighting me like it was Armageddon and i had the last source of clean water, it was MAYHEM. She was kicking me and screaming non stop, and I was honestly starting to lose it. It was fed, it was clean, it had a nap I was completely out of ideas for how to get this thing to shut the fuck up.” *the crowd laughs in anticipation and Nino continues* “I finally get the fucking thing to lay down, right? It’s sleeping, sort of, it keeps waking up and yelling and pooping and sleeping again, but about halfway through the night i started getting worried. I was pretty tuned in to this kids screaming patterns, like all the little subtleties. I could tell a ‘feed me now’ scream apart from a ‘i’m tired asshole’ scream pretty easily at this point, but by nearly dawn the scream was sounding really different and it was freaking me out. Because in my non educated not a dad opinion it sort of sounded like it was in pain? But it was fine! I was pretty sure, it wasnt bleeding it didn’t so much as have a freaking rash, i was loosing it. I was like ‘Yup this is it. It’s dying and I don’t know how to fix it, everything is awful and my friend is going to kill me.’ This was pretty much everything I was afraid of. And, honestly, it was kind of interesting.” *he pauses* “Not the, it’s dying part. That was just- that’s not what I meant. I mean that after it was all done and I was looking back on it it was pretty interesting how much i COULDNT deal. As soon as the idea that it was in pain occurred to me I couldn’t stand still, it was as close to the ‘clicking on’ thing as i could get, i think. Because as soon as it was a problem I was literally tuned IN. I bundled that thing the hell up and got out the door because i was responsible for this baby and god be damned if i am going to let it be in pain. I was GONE.” *Nino pantomimes sprinting out the door, returning to the stand to continue*
“I’ve got this thing strapped to me like i’m about to climb a mountain and i get outside, the sun is barely out and im sprinting. I was honestly so rattled and sleep deprived at this point that i was nearly insane, so what is my first and foremost course of action?” *he waits, looking around as if waiting for someone to have an answer before saying* “I run up to the first middle aged woman i can find and hand them the baby.”
*the crowd GASPS and the camera cuts to Adrien again, the model laughing like crazy and Marinette’s mouth wide open*
~to be continued~
Part 4 (direct continuation)
*the crowd is really laughing now, Nino in the middle of pantomiming unwrapping the baby from his chest and holding it out away from him.*
“Listen! I know that sounds nuts but /I/ was nuts. I was going insane with this kid, and in my thought process I am wildly fucking unqualified, so lets find a mom. Right? Isn’t that fair?? I know I sound like a crazy person but I didn’t know what to do, maybe she would! This is how I was introduced to Liu Fong.”
*the crowd is cracking up, it briefly cuts back to Marinette and Adrien, Adrien shaking his head and laughing as Marinette is clearly talking to him in a very quick way. She seems like shes laughing, but she also doesnt seem pleased. The camera cuts back to Nino, the mic off its stand as he begins to act out a scene that starts with him chucking the baby*
“It wasn’t even 6 AM I’d say, so the first interaction this lady has of the day is some crazed barf covered dude with a baby that is white as hell and clearly not his running the fuck up to her” *huge laugh* “and before I even introduce myself I hand her this WAILING child and say ‘HELP ME.’”
*Nino looks to the crowd with a wild expression, causing another round of huge laughter. He sobers a bit to tell the story*
“Now Liu, bless her heart, she really had to deal with some shit. What do you even do when someone hands you a baby like that? I’m guessing that in her reasoning, this guy clearly shouldnt have it, so im going to TAKE IT, so HE doesn’t have it. She snatched up Emma pretty quick, absolutely bewildered and probably a little scared but I knew I had pegged her right. Because as soon as the baby was in her arms and it cried again she zoned in. Suddenly Emma was the only thing that mattered. Fuck the introductions, Liu got to business.”
*he is about to continue before he suddenly pauses, the room silent for a moment before he breaks the scene and turns towards the crowd, his tone different.*
“Alright im just gonna warn you now my impression of a Chinese accent is going to be mildly uncool so-” *he gets interrupted by a laugh and he starts to chuckle, his hand gestures placating as he continues* “ -so lets all just let that be. So- anyways.”
*he resets the scene, pantomiming Liu holding the baby, shrinking in quite a bit to imply how short she is. His immediate first words are in an extraordinarily stereotypical accent*
“’Whose baby is this?? Where did you get the baby???’”
*the crowd explodes as he switches back to himself, back to being desperate and crazed.*
“’I didn’t steal it its my friends and its BROKEN.’”
*he turns away to reference the crowd* “These are real things I said as an adult man caring for a child.” *another laugh. he returns to the scene.*
“Liu is looking down at Emma probably wondering what the hell BROKEN means, and wondering if she should just ditch me and save the baby, but then Emma cried again, and it was like Liu was partial to some secret ass knowledge that I had no part of, because apparently she knew exactly what the fucking problem was.” *he stands up, and has the most DONE expression of all time as he tells the crowd* “She had an ear infection. Do you have ANY idea how fucking PSYCHO babies get when they have an EAR INFECTION. Liu didnt see shit she just knew with her fucking wisdom, the babies ear hadnt swollen at all it was just uncomfortable as fuck, but forget about that who gives a shit-” *the crowd laughs huge as he completely disregards the baby, now entirely focused on himself as he starts to rant* “Heres my problem with that. Its because I was living the timeline, I was in it, i’ve seen movies. I’ve watched cop dramas, I notice when the timing doesnt make sense. There is no way. No. WAY that Adrien didnt know.”
*the crowd gasps and starts to laugh, and the camera cuts back to Adrien, who has a very guilty ‘oh shit’ face as Nino stares directly at him from the stage.*
“So THAT MEANS, That NONE of this was to ‘help me discover how to be a father’. This was ADRIEN vanishing on a vacation with our wives and dumping the baby who he KNEW would be a lunatic on his best friend. HE KNEW, HE DID IT ON PURPOSE.”
*the camera cuts back to adrien who is laughing hysterically now, Marinette and Alya shaking their heads and crying from laughter as Nino points out Adrien directly.* “Look at this guy! Look at this guilty motherfucker! I want everyone to- Can we get the house lights? Get the house lights up!”
*there is a milisecond pause before the lights in the theater come back up, revealing the entire crowd and in particular Adrien. Nino is pacing towards the stage closest to his friend as he points to him still and says* “No lets really get him, lets hit that spot light.”
*on queue a follow spot illuminates Adrien and you see him say ‘Oh SHIT’. He looks to his wife for help but Marinette has her hands up, leaning away and out of the light and leaving him on his own. The focus cuts back to Nino.*
“Thats right asshole, this entire million dollar production was a cover for your roast. This is only minute ten motherfucker get ready for a ride.”
Part 5
(Sorry for the long ass post my guys)
*It’s the middle of
the show, some time has passed and Nino is talking about children still to some
extent, transitioning into the topic of relationships*
“Ladies lets get real for a second, this ones for the girls.
I want all of you to listen very carefully cause it’s very important to know.” *He gestures forward across the crowd,
pointing at individual women* “If you don’t have a man who is ride or die
then he does NOT get to ride, you hear me?”
*All of the women in
the crowd cheer as the men laugh, and Nino is pacing the stage* “Your dick
gotta be this big to ride my man and we all know you were leaning into it, so
you’ve got to have something else to offer. You’ve got yourself a beautiful
woman, a dynamite lady and you think she’s gonna stick around with your ass if the
two of you can’t rob a bank at the drop of a hat? I don’t fucking think so. *The women cheer again and Nino nods his
head approvingly*
“Now I say its for the ladies but lets be honest guys we
want a ride or die girl too, and I would like to clarify that this does NOT
mean she lets you get away with jack shit it does NOT. No way my man, it just
means that shit gets handled in house. No outside parties involved, in my house
there is not the court of law or any outside moral influence, there is only the
internally delivered justice of my wife to be and sometimes me if I’m right,
but I rarely am so mostly Alya”. *This
gets a substantial laugh as he turns to walk the other direction across the
stage* “Nobody else gets a say, not a judge or a jury or any kind of
character witness, however lets set
up a scenario. What if,” *he pauses,
looking around* “The justice system disagrees. What if they think they’ve
got something to say? Well easy. We follow the three step household rule of
action.”
*He holds up three
fingers in succession with complete command of the audience*
“Ride, Die, Alibi.”
*There is a huge
reaction as people laugh in anticipation and Nino launches into a story*
“That’s the kind of rock solid shit I’m looking for.
Here is an event that actually took place in real life but
has since been handled so I’m allowed to legally talk about it. Now, I could
just tell you everything that happened right off the bat but I want you guys to
be exactly where Alya was that morning.”
My girl had absolutely no idea anything was happening at
all,” *He gestures with each statement in
the list* “She didn’t know what I had been up to, she didn’t know where I had
gone, she had no idea I had even gone out the night before, and she had
no idea who I had been with or what I was doing. She woke up and I was still in
bed and she went about her morning getting ready for work, business as usual.” *He paces to the stand and leans on it* “It’s
a quiet Monday morning or whatever, she’s in her PJs, I’m sleeping, shes making
breakfast, theres a knock on the door.” *He
pantomimes a turn, rapping the mic with his knuckle and waiting tensely for a
beat. He turns back to the audience* “Rarely ever good.”
*The crowd laughs and
leans in as he acts out the story*
“Alya crosses to the door, bless her heart, asking aloud ‘Who
is it?’”
*He puts a hand over
the mic, muffling the sound and using a voice* “Police”
*The crowd reacts and
he turns to them again, restating* “Rarely ever good. But Alya opens the
door with absolutely no information at all, and the two police officers present
tell her instantly. ‘We are looking for Nino Lahiffe.’ *He looks to everyone as the crowd gasps and mutters* “And you wanna
know what my fucking girl said?”
“She looked him right in the eye without a seconds
hesitation, and said, ‘I have never heard that name in my life.’”
*Nino whirls around
and pumps his fist in the air triumphantly as the crowd explodes into cheers.
He yells into the mic, pumping his free hand in victory* “NOW THAT’S WHAT
IM FUCKING TALKING ABOUT! That’s the kind of fucking blind ass shit I’m looking
for! Fellas this is what I mean! Get you a girl who will look a cop in the eye
and say shes never seen your ass in her life when your name is on the fucking lease. Get you a girl
who goes that hard, don’t settle for anything less.”
You asked for Chat Noir in a hamburger bun and let me just say I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I opened CSP today. But this was a fun request and I had no idea how much I needed this.
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